When the longing to feel wanted takes over, you can recognize the red flags and still walk right past them. That’s not a reflection that something’s wrong with you; it’s a sign that something needs your company.

In the past few months, I’ve had several chats with clients in their 30s, 40s, 50s, and 60s who are tired of feeling exhausted, frustrated and heartbroken when it comes to dating. They’ve said things like:

• “I knew something felt off. I felt it, noted it and still kept going. So, I guess I shouldn’t be so surprised, but I still am.”

• “Something must be wrong with me. I keep chasing after men who treat me poorly. I give to them, they discard me and I keep trying to get them to come back and like me.”

• “Maybe, I’m being too sensitive and making too big a deal about what she said.”

We can know someone is not right for us and still move forward because the longing to feel wanted is just that strong. If you didn’t have enough (or any) experiences of feeling seen, heard, protected and loved, then of course there may be an urge to push past red flags when connection feels possible and you’re starting feeling desired. It makes sense.

Those kind words like “You’re so interesting” or “You’re really special” can immediately hook a younger you or an adolescent you who’s been waiting and wanting to feel appreciated. Now, there’s nothing inherently wrong with those words. However, they can become red flags when they’re mixed in with a pace that feels too fast or if there’s a push-pull dynamic that creates confusion and uncertainty.

So, when that younger you gets a taste of feeling wanted, she probably doesn’t just perk up. She can become swept up in a bubbly rush of uncorked excitement—that uncontained exuberance fueled by an “I want this, consequences be damned!” kind of energy. Sound familiar?

You might even find yourself thinking, “I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.” That inner tension and confusion makes sense. It points to who’s in charge and taking action. Spoiler Alert: It’s not the adult you.

And, sometimes what you experience isn’t pushing past red flags but feeling stuck within an unrelenting storm of fantasies. It may feel like all your thoughts are colored by that particular person. You may experience sleepless nights, being lost in a fog—all dreamy and distracted. It can feel like the fantasies won’t let go of you and you can’t let go of them.

When we’re feeling this much, we can’t think our way into clarity. Trying to understand more doesn’t bring relief. And, analyzing the person or situation often leaves us feeling dissatisfied and just as stuck. That younger you who’s in charge and still suffering … still wanting to feel to wanted … doesn’t respond well to being told how to feel and what to do. Something else is needed.

What’s needed is for YOU (the adult you) to be with that younger you in specific kind of way, so that she or he doesn’t drive you into a relationship that may not be right for you. And that can be very hard to do on your own, especially when you feel completely swept away by those feelings and impulses. I say this from personal and professional experience.

If this resonates with you, I can help you be with that younger you without shame or blame, so that you don’t get taken over and pushed into a situation where you could potentially get hurt.

I’m also teaching an online, six-week course called Wanting Connection, Without Losing Yourself. One of the six modules explores this very topic.

When that younger you has your company, YOU will be the one taking action in your life—choosing what next steps to take (or not take) from a place of clarity and self-protective strength.

Curious to learn more? Click the button below to find out more and how to register.

Not sure if this course is the right fit for you? Let's chat! I'd be happy to answer your questions and help you decide if this course feels like a good fit. Click the button below to schedule a free, no-obligation chat.

Here’s to living fully in these hard times,

Lauren

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