Understanding why someone ghosted us rarely brings the relief we’re hoping for. Here’s what can.

Being ghosted doesn’t just hurt—it keeps on hurting. We can find ourselves replaying what we said and what they said. Looking for clues and scrambling for answers.

For me, there’s a difference between being dumped and being ghosted. I can handle the sting of someone deciding I’m too quirky or moving too slowly for him. Of course that hurts and, in a way, it’s good to know. I'm no longer interested in dimming myself down to stay connected. Or working hard to get someone to value me when they don’t.

But being ghosted feels like being discarded. It’s such a kick to the heart and blow to the gut. That sudden silence has a way of silencing us. It’s a double dose of pain. We lose the relationship and we’re robbed of closure—the chance to participate in the ending, however painful it may be.

I recently met someone and experienced that exhilarating rush of feeling felt—feeling seen, delighted in and, as I like to say, “curious-ed in.” The feel of all that was like jumping on a trampoline…playful, bouncy, full of laughter and soaring high. Being ghosted was like having that trampoline pulled out from under me in mid-flight. I expected to land on what would bounce me back into the air. Instead, I crashed to the ground. Hard.

Mixed in with that crash landing was—and still is—a sense of shock. And that’s often what needs our company.

It's completely understandable to want to figure out why people ghost. It’s such a cruel thing to do. So it's only natural to search for an explanation.

But, in my experience, both personally and professionally, understanding why someone ghosts us rarely brings the relief we’re hoping for. It’s like filling up a car with a tank of gas when it has a flat tire. Sure, filling up the tank is great but the car can’t go anywhere. The tire is still flat. So, it’s great to have more information but knowing more doesn’t often help us feel better.

Even well-meaning words from friends like “Screw him!” or “She doesn’t know what she’s missing out on,” can leave us feeling just as flat. So, what can we do? We can gently turn toward that place in us that’s carrying the impact of being ghosted.

If what I’m sharing resonates, you may be interested in this week’s guided exercise. Instead of trying to figure out why you were ghosted, I’ll be inviting you to gently turn towards the impact of being ghosted so something can begin to shift.

Instead of feeling stuck within your experience (repetitive thoughts, gut-punching shock or something else), you can be with it. Sounds small but feels huge.

Your experience is still what it is, but when you’re with it relief can begin to emerge naturally. No pushing, no forcing and definitely no fixing.

Watch the guided somatic exercise

Feel free to email me if this guided exercise brings up questions, insights or something else you’d like to share. You can simply reply to this email or email me directly at lauren@livingfully.org

Here’s to living fully in these hard times,

Lauren

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