If slowing down to savor a pleasant experience brings tension, there’s nothing wrong with you. Ease can feel uncomfortable — even threatening — for very good reasons.

Taking time to savor pleasant moments and experiences is not as easy as it sounds. A couple weeks ago, I shared my struggles with ease— how I wanted to feel it and how I was afraid of it. Talk about an inner conflict! (Here’s a link to that newsletter incase you missed it or have recently joined.)

For a long time, I thought that inner struggle meant there was something wrong with me. I saw it as proof that I was bad, broken and wrong. After all, if the antidote to anxiety is to relax and feel more ease … then what was I supposed to do?

Experiencing ease kicked up more stress. More tension. Nobody seemed to be talking about this kind of inner bind— let alone offering guidance or solutions.

That began to change during my Somatic Experiencing (SE) training, where I was introduced to Inner Relationship Focusing. While my SE training helped me understand why and how these patterns and habits developed, Inner Relationship Focusing’s process helped me answer a more practical question:

“How can I actually shift this pattern— so I can finally experience ease without fearing it?”

If this resonates with you, then you might be interested in a video I just posted on Youtube. Have you ever had the experience of savoring a pleasant moment only to be interrupted by a rush of to-dos or a parade of what-if worries? Or, maybe an inner fog suddenly rolls in or something else?

Rick Hanson, author and psychologist, once wrote (in an essay I’m still trying to track down), “We’re wired for survival, not quality of life.” If worrying kept us safe, then no wonder that pattern is so strong. We needed it.

Pausing to relax— even for a moment— may have felt risky. So worrying kept us alert and on guard … bracing with anticipation of what could go wrong so we could react quickly and decisively.

So, it make sense that our bodies might get a bit antsy and angsty in the here-and-now present when we pause, let alone when we begin to savor something pleasant. But what if those reactions aren’t treated as something bad, wrong or in the way?

What if the buzzing to-dos aren’t swatted away? What if worries are met with a warm welcome instead of a gruff “Get out of here.”

Click here for the guided exercise.

Some of you may be wondering, “Did you finally learn how to experience ease without fearing it?” The answer is YES. 🥳

Of course, I’m still human— life keeps life-ing. But combining SE and Inner Relationship Focusing has helped me develop the capacity to be with hard experiences without getting knocked over or pulled under. It’s been a real game changer!

What’s surprised me most is this: Experiencing ease no longer depends on having no problems. Truthfully, I’ve never been problem-free, so this insight brings a lot of relief! It’s wonderful to realize that ease is possible even when we’re bumping up against challenges—or those surprising zingers life throws our way.

For me, ease comes from being big enough to be with those problems—and the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that come with them. You might even get a small taste of this from this week’s guided exercise.

Here’s to living fully in these hard times!

Lauren

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