Fear and anxiety aren’t signs of an inherent flaw — they’re signals of how your body learned to keep you safe. And when your body feels safe, ease can naturally emerge.

I was recently at a restaurant where a piece of artwork caught my eye. It read: Peace is the absence of fear. I disagree.

Fear, anxiety, and worry are often labeled as “negative” feelings — something to get rid of, fix or manage. And yet those feelings didn’t appear by accident. The emerged for a reason.

Given all that’s happening in the word right now, I’ve spoken with many people who feel there must be something wrong with them because they’re “so anxious” instead of calm. They view their anxiety as proof that something is wrong with them.

I often meet those those comments with this reflection, “It makes sense that you’re not feeling calm. Anxiety and fear are healthy reactions to what’s happening.”

And, for those of us who grew up in chaotic or unpredictable homes, anxiety may have been a familiar state. We lived with a kind of anticipatory, bracing buzz of - What went wrong? What is wrong? What’s about to go wrong?

Living in an anxious state is absolutely uncomfortable. And yet, that what-if-worry came about as a way to keep us safe. It reflects the way our bodies had to adapt to the environment in which we found ourselves in. The more anxious we were, the more we needed that strategy.

Being on edge helped us find what little peace we could in an incredibly hard situation. So, I don’t see peace as the absence of fear. For many of us, fear is what kept us safe.

Plus, pushing away an uncomfortable feeling doesn’t bring about peace or relief. If anything, it kicks up even more stress and tension. As Carl Jung famously said, “What we resist, persists.”

So, what does bring peace? Being with that place in us that’s feeling anxious and offering it steady, non-intrusive company. Not changing it. Not fixing it. Not talking it out of how it’s feeling. Just being with it in a warm, welcoming and unhurried way.

I’m in awe of how this process has helped me feel okay, even when places in me feel tense or parts of me feel anxious.

For most of my life, I believed something was wrong with me because I struggled to relax. I wanted ease and I was afraid of it. Talk about an inner struggle! For me, no amount of therapy, reading, quiet soaks or long walks could shift this pattern.

When I shared this with a Focusing friend a number of years ago, she said “Yeah, we can’t bubble-bath that sh*t away.” Spot on.

Over time, I came to realize — In order to feel ease, we need to feel safe. And, because safety is a bodily, felt experience, we can’t talk ourselves into feeling safe.

What we can do is create an inner environment where whatever we’re feeling — anxiety, worry, doubt, exhaustion, overwhelm — is met with a warm, welcoming, I’m-here-with-you-now kind of company. Being with your experience (feelings, sensations, thoughts) in this way creates the conditions within for your body to experience a sense of safety. And from there, ease can naturally emerge — no pushing, no forcing and definitely no fixing.

If you’re tired of feeling caught up in the ongoing impact of your past — that marbled mix of what did AND didn’t happen — then you may be interested in my upcoming, online course:

Coming Back to You

I only teach this course once a year, and I just opened registration. Class size is limited to 10 participants. Click the button below to learn more about this course and how to register.

Have questions about this course? Great, let’s chat. CLICK HERE to schedule a free, no-obligation chat.

Here’s to living fully!

Lauren

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