Frequently Asked Questions

Absolutely! Many clients—including therapists—work with me because combining Inner Relationship Focusing and Somatic Experiencing has helped them live more fully, freely and authentically.

Maybe something surfaced in your therapy session and it landed with an “oomph.” It still feels heavy, and you’re left wondering, Now what? Or perhaps you’re feeling stuck — like you’re talking, but not really moving forward or feeling better.

I can help you be with the body feel of that “oomph” or frustration, so that tension eases, wounds heal, and clarity emerges.

As your connection to yourself deepens and expands, you’ll find yourself getting unstuck, feeling better and moving forward in ways that light you up. No pushing. No forcing. And definitely no fixing.

In short, Living Fully Sessions can naturally support and strengthen the work you’re doing in therapy.

Inner Relationship Focusing is an experiential, body-oriented process of self-awareness and emotional healing developed by Ann Weiser Cornell and Barbara McGavin.

Ann and Barbara built on the Focusing process, which was developed by Eugene Gendlin, as a result of their own addictions, obsessions and depression.

Since that time IRF has been used to help people with hard-to-change patterns, trauma recovery, decision making, inner critics, addiction, overwhelming emotions (depression, grief, anxiety …. ), physical pain, aging, burn out, low self-worth, and relationship issues. 

A core aspect of IRF’s process is inviting a felt sense  - a bodily feel - of some issue, challenge or longing to come into awareness. And, as you are with that felt sense in a Focusing way, you create the conditions within for tension to ease, wounds to heal, next steps to emerge and your connection to yourself to deepen and expand.

Focusing has helped me stay true to myself—even when that risks frustrating or disappointing others. If something doesn’t feel right, then I don’t do it—I don’t push myself forward or guilt myself into action.

My nervous system is much more settled and less reactive. Recently, while driving on the highway, a pebble shattered my windshield. I was stunned, but also grounded. I calmly pulled into a rest stop and figured out my next steps without panicking. Feeling steady has become the new norm.

Focusing has also helped prevent painful experiences from becoming traumatic ones. While hiking in a remote part of the Catskill Mountains, I disturbed a nest of yellow jackets and was stung over 27 times. With over two hours left to hike back to my car, I stayed present to the situation and connected to myself. I was able to be with the physical and emotional pain in a Focusing way, so that a dangerous situation didn’t become more dangerous. My doctor was surprised at how I managed to navigate that situation and how quickly my body recovered.

Focusing has also helped me be with heartbreak without breaking. I’m able to be with grief without getting swept away in it or submerged by it. I can be with my grieving process in a way that brings about a deeper breath, a bit more ease and even some comfort.

Somatic Experiencing® is a body-oriented approach to healing trauma and stress disorders developed by Peter A. Levine. (* Peter Levine built off of Eugene Gendlin’s Focusing and felt sensing process.)

From an SE perspective, trauma is not caused by the event itself but in the nervous system’s experience of the event.

The impact of that traumatic experience - what did AND what didn’t happen - gets stored in our bodies. SE helps to release that frozen residue, so that we can recover, live more fully and be more resilient. 

Both IRF and SE invite the bodily feel of a stressful experience or challenging issue to come into awareness as a way of facilitating change. But they both have different approaches on how to be with that bodily feel, which is also referred to as a felt sense.

As a result of my SE training, I bring a unique trauma-informed approach to facilitating Inner Relationship Focusing sessions.

That means I use gentle, invitational language to help clients be with uncomfortable feelings/sensations, which may emerge as they are with a challenging issue (IRF), while also noticing how their nervous system is responding to that (SE). 

• I pay attention to pacing. As we turn towards tender terrain, I’ll offer invitations that respect your body’s pacing. That can sound like, “You might sense if it’s okay to be with that?” And, if there’s any kind of no, hesitation or feeling unsure, then we’ll turn towards that first. Safety is paramount. Respecting what I call your body’s knowing no guides the way. We will never push past it. 

• I’ll invite you to savor and soak up pleasant shifts. Why? Because taking time to savor pleasant shifts will help your nervous system come into greater regulation, steadiness and ease. No pleasant shift is ever too small to savor and enjoy.

• I will notice gestures. Why? Because gestures can communicate how you feel and what you want in a wordless way. Gestures can reveal something you may not have known, so they bring with them fresh insights and next steps.

People-pleasing is a strategy that’s goal-oriented, transactional, and a way of maintaining safety, connection and affection. It often has a pushy quality of “I have to,” “I should,” “I must” or “If I don’t then ___.”

Here are some of the ways that could sound…

• “I’ll pick him up at the airport SO THAT maybe he won’t get annoyed with me the next time I ask him for a favor.”

• “I’m so exhausted and don’t really want to go to the house-warming party, but I feel like I should go … if I don’t my absence may communicate that I’m unfriendly and cold. Uy, I guess I’ll go SO THAT she thinks of me as warm and friendly.”

• “I don’t want her to stay at my place, but I don’t want to cause a rift in our relationship. So, I’ll let her stay with me SO THAT I don’t upset her.”

People-pleasing often comes with a bodily felt experience. Here are some of the ways we can experience people-pleasing in our bodies …

• Maybe there’s a lump in your throat, a heaviness in your chest or a kind of swirling nausea in your stomach.

• Perhaps it’s more like a full body tightness, bracing or freezing.

• There can be a kind of shrinking sensation or slumping into oneself. 

• It may feel like you’re hardly breathing or that your breath is very shallow. 

When acting from a placing of kindness, you’re choosing to do _____ because you want to do it. Doing so fits and feels right for you and … brings an upswell of joy and delight.

Kindness isn’t a strategy, nor is it goal oriented. It’s not transactional. You’re not pushing, should-ing or guilting yourself into action.

Acting from a place of kindness can sound like …

• “I want to pick him up at the airport, because I’m so excited to see him.”

• “I want to go to the house-warming party, because I want to meet my new neighbor and welcome her to the neighborhood.

• “I’d love for her to stay at my place so we can spend some time catching up.”

Here are some of the ways we can experience kindness in our bodies ….

• You notice you're smiling! 

• There may be a kind of tingling bubbliness or giddiness in your chest. 

• You may experience warmth or a kind of open, expansive ease. 

• You may feel more energized and excited.

• It just feels good!

You know how sunflowers orient themselves toward the sun so they can grow?

Well, children who grow up in unstable and chaotic environments orient towards danger and threats so that they can grow, stay safe and survive.

That orienting process literally and metaphorically shapes our bodies and how we live our lives.

Eugene Gendlin, the founder of Focusing, would often say, "Life wants to live." I agree and would extend that by saying:

Life wants to live AND it will do what it has to do to live.

Just like plants and animals, our bodies will also adapt and be shaped by the environment in which we find ourselves.

What we experienced in childhood— that marbled mix of what did and didn’t happen— shaped us. Patterns emerged (ie people-pleasing) and habits (ie silencing one’s self) developed.

Inner Relationship Focusing (IRF) and Internal Family Systems (IFS) both work with inner parts, but their approach and philosophies are distinctly different.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) uses structured techniques—like asking questions, having parts “step aside,” and a process called unburdening.

IFS views parts as long term aspects of one’s personality… a bit like inner characters. And, the goal is to transform those parts through an unburdening process so they can function in healthier, more constructive ways.

Inner Relationship Focusing (IRF), on the other hand, is more of an embodied process that emphasizes cultivating a compassionate, non-judgmental relationship with all inner experiences (parts, thoughts, feelings, sensations etc.)

In IRF, parts are seen as temporary. As they are accompanied in a warm, welcoming, fully-listened-to-and-gotten kind of way, they naturally transform.

IRF doesn’t change parts, fix them, or ask them to “step aside.” The focus is on being with rather than doing to. And, it’s the quality of that inner relationship that facilitates tension easing, patterns dissolving, wounds healing and next steps emerging.

IRF avoids asking questions and instead uses invitational language. For example, “You might sense how it’s feeling ….” as opposed to “How is it feeling?”

And, in IRF, the ability to live more fully and freely is not dependent upon a part having to change.

• There is no intake form.

• You will not be analyzed, diagnosed or given advice about your situation.

• You will not be asked to share any details and/or history that’s related to what you're wanting support with. What you share or don’t share is entirely up to you!

• There is no treatment plan. You decide the starting place for each session and the frequency of sessions.

• I won’t be gathering any personal history, asking questions, suggesting strategies or identifying goals.

• The starting place for your session can be turning towards a particular longing or wanting to set specific goals but doing so would be initiated by you.

• There is no homework or assigned reading between sessions; although, you may find yourself naturally practicing what you find supportive in your sessions.

• You determine the frequency of sessions.

• You're invited to turn towards what's coming into awareness and develop a relationship with it, instead of shifting your attention away and returning it to a home base, such as your breath.

• You're invited to share aloud what you're noticing/feeling and ask questions.

• Your process guides the way.

• You can choose to keep your eyes closed, open or do a bit of both.

• You are welcome to move around and adjust how you're sitting throughout your session instead of staying still or minimizing movements.

‍I love this question! Recently, an Ivy League university invited me to participate in a study exploring how teachers support students when traumatic experiences unexpectedly emerge during meditation.

To answer this question, I’d like to share with you my response to that invitation:

Hi E,
Thanks for reaching out and sharing information about your study—it sounds fascinating!

As you now know, I'm both a Certified Inner Relationship Practitioner and Trainer, as well as a Certified Somatic Experiencing Practitioner. Prior to learning IRF, I combined SE and meditation to teach trauma-informed mindfulness meditation. This supported students in ways directly related to your study—helping them be with their experience and the reverberating impact of trauma, which can sometimes unexpectedly emerge while meditating. (* I was also certified to teach mindfulness meditation by Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield.)

However, I no longer teach trauma-informed meditation, and I have stepped away from my own personal meditation practice, because many mindfulness meditation practices and principles can inadvertently reinforce the very patterns we want to disentangle from. For example, from my perspective, the so-called "hindrances" often reflect survival adaptations— strategies our bodies developed to help us get through impossibly hard times. Anxiety, for example, may feel like a hindrance, but it emerged for a good reason. A protective reason. And the more we try to breathe it away, bring light to it, and treat it like a hindrance ... as something bad and wrong ... the more it will dig in, and we will remain stuck.

From an SE perspective, practices that encourage controlled breathing can be harmful for trauma survivors, as the nervous system is intricately linked to breathing patterns. I've worked with clients who, after attending meditation classes or retreats, found themselves unexpectedly triggered by practices that promised ease and calm. And they left feeling even more distraught and disoriented.

Inner Relationship Focusing (IRF), on the other hand, offers a gentle, trauma-informed, body-oriented process that invites us to be with our experience just as it is — without fixing it, changing it, softening it, or overriding it. This process creates an inner environment where tension eases, wounds heal, next steps emerge and a connection to one's self deepens and expands. No forcing. No pushing. And definitely no spiritual bypassing.

For these reasons (and many more) I don't think I would be an appropriate participant for your study. That said, if you or your team is curious to learn more about how mindfulness meditation practices can inadvertently reinforce trauma, induce shame, encourage overriding one's feelings and more, I'd be happy to discuss this further. As you might be able to tell, I'm very passionate about this topic!

And, if you have any questions please feel free to email me (lauren@livingfully.org) or schedule a free chat: https://www.livingfully.org/scheduling

Anything and everything can be a starting place for your session. Here are some examples:

Your starting place can be a specific challenge like ….

• You just feel stuck, drained and overwhelmed. You want to make a change but  you don’t know where or how to begin. 

• You’re angry at your partner/friend/ boss for doing ______. And, you keep replaying what happened over and over again. 

• You’re tired of managing your anxiety all day, every day.

Or, your starting place could be a more broad life issue like ... 

• You’re caught in an inner struggle of wanting to say “no” when someone asks you for a favor, but you don’t want to disappoint people so you say, “yes.” 

• There’s a whole thing around making decisions and the fear that you’ll make the wrong one. 

• You often beat yourself up with a lot of “you should-s” and  “why didn’t you-s,” which just adds to the suffering and yet … you can’t seem to stop.

Your starting place can also be a longing or a wanting to do something like ... 

• You want to stop seeking approval for what you know feels right for you.

• You want to speak up in meetings and share your thoughts.

• You want to take that trip, begin writing, enroll in that dance class or ______.

Even not knowing where to start can be a place to start!